Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
