After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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