I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
