I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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