i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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