Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
