I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i drank out of a bidet.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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