I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
