my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
