I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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