Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Boobs speak an international language.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
