trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
