I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
