I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
