yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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