sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
