Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
