I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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