oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
