I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
