And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
