Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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