I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
