I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
