Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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