It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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