I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
