Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
