I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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