I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
