i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
God, you're like boner-b-gone
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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