Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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