Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
