i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
