I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
