my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize