We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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