Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
