Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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