my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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