I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
