he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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