My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
