I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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