i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
