I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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