I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
