Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
