My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
