My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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