if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
