I faked an abortion last night.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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