It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
