did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
did i just pee glitter
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
