A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
