The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
