also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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