I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
