Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
