We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have aggressive nipples.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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