Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she pinky promised me she was 18
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
