umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
