Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
