Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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