captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
