end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
