I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
